Playing Hot and Cold
Withdrawal—of affection or interaction, for instance—is another manipulation tactic.
One type of withdrawal is the silent treatment, where one person limits or breaks off communication with another. Research suggests that the silent treatment is hurtful because it disrupts interaction, and most people are hardwired for connection. Receiving the silent treatment undermines one’s sense of belonging and self-esteem, and it makes the target feel isolated and insignificant. It’s stressful. Over the long term, it can lead to anxiety and depression.14
The silent treatment is often used to punish and discourage unwanted behaviour. For example, someone who wants their partner to always wash the dishes may become cold and terse if they don’t comply.
The Power of Intermittent Rewards
Withdrawal is often accompanied by a reward system, where compliance and “good” behaviour are met with warmth and approval. This intermittent, “hot and cold” approach works because we instinctively want to avoid disconnection and find reconnection, and we’ll do what it takes to get there, even if it involves giving in.
Any number of ingredients essential for connection can be manipulated in this way, including physical intimacy, conversation, empathy, praise, support, attention, and cooperation.
The narcissist may engage in this sort of manipulation because they’re frustrated about not getting something they want and are lashing out, or because they hope to reinforce a desired behaviour. They may also find a sense of pleasure or security in knowing that they can control the flow of a relationship, and that others will respond to their prodding.
The message behind withdrawal is: I will be here for you, when you do what I want.
Decode the Behaviour
- Does the narcissist have a “hot and cold” emotional style, where warmth and emotional availability are intermittent?
- Do they tend to control the emotional dynamics of the relationship? Do you feel like you’re on their emotional timetable?
- Is the narcissist emotionally present in general?
- Do they use the silent treatment or other forms of withdrawal to discourage behaviour they don’t want?