The Art of Seduction
We’ve focused so far on control tactics that use coercion. In contrast, trust-based manipulation leverages positive feelings of connection. Narcissists exploit the desire for connection because it’s an easy source of control.
One especially intense form of trust-building is love bombing. Therapist Dana Morningstar13 observes that
Love bombing tends to start very fast, with the narcissist spending hours daily talking, messaging, or spending time with their target. The narcissist is often very quick to begin hinting or saying that they have a soul-mate connection with their target, and that they love them, or that they are so glad to have finally found them. The constant compliments, communication, and emphasis on the soul-mate connection can make a target feel loved and appreciated.
While all of this is happening, there’s a game of smoke-and-mirrors taking shape: the narcissist is creating the appearance of knowing their target deeply by echoing their hopes, desires, and experiences. The target feels seen, heard, and loved, but in reality they’re simply hearing recycled information they’ve already fed to the narcissist.
While love bombing often hits hard at the beginning of relationships, it can happen later as well, especially if the narcissist is trying to draw someone back in after an argument or some other disruption. The narcissist may recall happier times of past connection; or they might try to convince their partner that they’re still soul-mates or good friends, and that their relationship deserves to continue.
Is love bombing a matter of cold-blooded calculation? In some cases it may be, as we see with certain scam artists who use seduction as part of their arsenal. In other cases, the narcissist may simply be chasing the highs of infatuation. Or, they might want to be in love or in a relationship, but lack the emotional range or experience required for real intimacy–so they mimic romance without experiencing real connection. Love bombing can also quiet a partner’s complaints or requests, allowing the narcissist to dodge tricky territory.
The message behind love bombing and other forms of trust-building is: Lean on me. You’re safe with me.
Decode the Behaviour
- Does the narcissist sometimes foster feelings of connection, such as romance, friendship, or trust—but these feelings seem temporary, fragile, or hollow?
- What might the narcissist be trying to gain in return? Forgiveness? Compliance? Praise or attention? A tangible outcome, like money or sex?
- Is the narcissist emotionally present for difficult conversations? Are they open to seeing the relationship from your side, or do they brush away your experience?