The healing journey often begins with a desire to understand what’s happening in a particular relationship.
Maybe trust has been betrayed too often, or you’re emotionally exhausted. One way or another, the relationship has reached a saturation point and the manipulator’s “official narrative” has lost steam. Answers must be found.
The questions at the end of each section of Understanding Narcissism are designed to support this discovery process. My hope is that they’ll help you gain insight into narcissism and its effects.
The ultimate aim of this stage is to build clarity about how the narcissist in your life pursues their needs, regardless of yours. This awareness will help you recognize and disentangle yourself from their tactics.
Mapping the Narcissist’s True Identity
It can be a revelation to see the narcissist as they truly are, in terms of their projected image and what lies behind it.
A lot of insight can be gained by identifying their sources of supply. Who are the individuals that fuel their sense of significance? What kinds of interaction do they feed off of? What status symbols do they value? What story or image are they trying to project? The narcissist’s sources are generally at the top of their priority-list.
Narcissists typically react when they feel someone is outshining them or crowding them out, or if they believe their sources of supply are under threat. You can identify a narcissist’s core anxieties by tracing these trigger-points.
The Weight of Realization
Realizing you’re in a narcissistic relationship can be really challenging. Perhaps the saddest realization of all is that you were never high on the narcissist’s list of priorities; they were simply too preoccupied with their goals, and too self-protective and competitive, to take your needs or experience seriously.
They likely used you to gain or sustain some sort of position. They probably devalued, dismissed, or gaslighted you when they felt you were challenging their status—especially when you talked about working on the relationship, which they may have interpreted as criticism, blame, devaluation, or rivalry.
Therapy
Therapists can be a great support as you work through the recovery process. However, there are potential pitfalls in trying to find the right therapist. Psychotherapist Dana Morningstar recounts how difficult it was for her to find someone who really understood narcissism when she started out. She writes that her “journey towards healing was a long one, and … unnecessarily difficult” because of the unhelpful, and sometimes damaging, advice she was given.26
Part of the challenge here is that many therapists don’t have much expertise in narcissism or personal experience with it. Also, conventional therapeutic wisdom doesn’t necessarily apply to narcissistic relationships. Relationship counselling typically assumes a mutual commitment to working through conflict. Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, though,27
Adhering too tightly to [this] model often leaves partners in narcissistic relationships feeling like they are not trying hard enough, that they are “quitters,” or that they are not forgiving people. This is a slippery slope for self-blame and perpetuating broken cycles.
The tendency for narcissists to shift blame, and for victims to absorb it, can run amok in the face of a therapist’s well-intentioned efforts to build connection and communication. To complicate things further, a narcissist may try to win the therapist over, exercising charm and eliciting empathy while weaving their preferred narrative into the conversation.