Narcissists Exploit Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships are wonderful sources of validation, and they provide the sort of emotional support that is essential for well-being and growth.
Narcissists want the validation that good relationships provide, but without having to reciprocate. They want to be supported and encouraged without having to do the same. They want to be heard, accepted, and trusted without holding others in equal regard, and they expect others to make more compromises than them.
They want attention, care, and love because it helps them feel significant, but they don’t want to “give away” any of this feeling by sharing the stage.
Relationship Habits as a Red Flag
A key skill in navigating narcissism is knowing how to spot the poor relationship habits that act as a red flag for entitled, controlling behaviour. Knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is a game changer: it can help you avoid getting entangled in toxic relationships and decipher what’s at play in existing ones.
Healthy Habits
According to psychiatrist Dr. Theodore Glasser, healthy relationships are guided by seven caring habits.20
| Caring habit | Importance |
| Supporting | Support means being there physically, mentally, and emotionally for the other person as well as taking on a greater share of responsibilities when they’re suffering or in need. |
| Encouraging | This can take the form of reminding your partner of their strengths, past successes, or positive qualities. |
| Listening | We provide our partner with our presence through hearing them and receiving their messages. |
| Accepting | We see our partner for who they are and choose to accept them. This doesn’t mean accepting behaviors that we don’t approve of, but rather accepting the individual as lovable and worthy. |
| Trusting | Part of a strong relationship involves opening yourself up to trusting your partner. It also involves modifying your own behaviour so that you’re trustworthy. |
| Respecting | Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. This means treating loved ones with dignity, affirming their worth, and respecting their boundaries. |
| Negotiating differences | We can’t have all of our needs met all of the time. You must be willing to openly discuss what you are and aren’t willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. |
Such habits are rooted in a desire to honour the people we care for. They require some effort and emotional risk, as well as a readiness to be present, even if it means that people will see our insecurities alongside our strengths. In a healthy relationship, we know that others will return the effort and support us when we need it.
Unhealthy Relationships
Narcissists need to take the lead in order to feel confident, because their self-worth rests so heavily on external validation. They want to feel like they’re in control and tend to seek out dominant positions.
Narcissists can feel deeply threatened when their status is challenged. They may become jealous, believing that others are taking the spotlight. They often try to outshine others, and may devalue people simply to feel better by comparison. Usually, they resort to manipulation to restore influence.
The narcissist’s antagonistic and often competitive mindset runs counter to caring connection: it tilts into what Glasser calls a “control” approach. The seven caring habits are supplanted by seven deadly habits, which lead to disconnection, control, and conflict.
| Caring → deadly habit | Impact |
| Supporting →
Criticizing |
Criticism comes from a place of wanting to devalue or control someone by making them feel insecure or bad about themselves. |
| Encouraging →
Blaming |
This involves placing the responsibility for some sort of outcome on another person. |
| Listening →
Complaining |
Complaining results in the other person feeling as if they should somehow fix the problem. |
| Accepting →
Nagging |
When we nag someone, we’re trying to get them to change a behavior through negative reinforcement. The nagging stops when they change the behavior. |
| Trusting →
Threatening |
When we threaten someone, we expect them to comply. |
| Respecting →
Punishing |
Punishment is used to discourage undesired behaviour. An example would be yelling at your partner each time they do something you don’t like. |
| Negotiating differences →
Bribing / rewarding to control |
Sometimes we reward people when they do things we want them to do. This seems nicer than threatening or punishing, but it’s still a form of control. |
For a narcissist, the seven deadly habits have strategic value. First, they pressure the target to change their behaviour so that it falls in line with the narcissist’s goals. Second, they shift the conversational focus away from the narcissist and onto their target. This deflection enables the narcissist to avoid conversations where they’d have to take accountability, accept compromise, or commit to change—any of which would involve making unwanted concessions.
Narcissists frame challenging conversations so that they’re about what other people are doing wrong. That way, they don’t give up their lead.
Decode the Behaviour
- Do they exploit the seven caring habits as sources of validation or avenues for manipulation?
- Do they resort to the seven deadly habits rather than engage in meaningful conversations about their relationships?