Why Narcissists Struggle with Relationships
In Rethinking Narcissism, Dr. Craig Malkin16 links childhood development and narcissism:
Children need to feel that no matter what they do—or don’t do—they can still count on the people who raise them to listen and offer comfort when they feel sad or lonely or scared. That’s the hallmark of secure love, and when children don’t receive it, they’ll shape their behavior to try to earn love in unhealthy ways, such as chasing attention….
As children, narcissists learned that they couldn’t rely on others for support or connection. They turned instead to superficial forms of validation, particularly attention-seeking.
Malkin argues that this kind of developmental damage leads to adult narcissism: narcissists continue to focus on external validation, rather than intimacy or trust. This protects them from the rejection they felt as children and gives them something they can control. It’s what they know, and it feels safe.
Impact on Relationships
Narcissists struggle to relate in an empathic, collaborative, and transparent fashion. They seek attention at the expense of connection.
They gain a sense of control and significance by manipulating others, but this behaviour drains relationships of trust and intimacy.
Why the Behaviour is so Rigid
Narcissistic behaviour is difficult to shift because it’s rooted in a world-view stuck in childhood experience. The narcissist’s need for external validation and emotional distance is ultimately an expression of a learned belief that they’re unworthy and unlovable, and that it’s unsafe to trust others.
Types of Insecurity
Therapist Wendy Behary categorizes narcissistic insecurity into several types, or schemas.17 Each schema is associated with a set of learned beliefs about oneself and others, as well as an unhealthy pattern of behaviour that reflects those beliefs. Individuals typically have more than one schema at play.
| Schema | Beliefs (learned in childhood) | Behaviour |
| Approval seeking | They’re defective. | They seek recognition, status, and attention. |
| Emotional deprivation | No one will meet their emotional needs and love them for who they are. | They must never need anyone. They strive for perfection, success, and autonomy. |
| Mistrust / abuse | People are nice to them because others want something from them. | They avoid intimacy and are skeptical of the motives of others. |
| Subjugation | People want to control them. | They’re controlling. |
| Unrelenting standards | They must sacrifice pleasure in order to do things perfectly. | They’re restless when out of work mode. |
Behary’s discussion of schemas underscores how narcissistic behaviour isn’t the result of surface-level communication issues or a normal lack of confidence: it’s a hardwired defense mechanism that helps soothe fears of inadequacy. In other words, narcissism is an ingrained response to childhood insecurity.