The Impact on Mental Health
In Should I Stay or Should I Go, psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explores how narcissistic relationships affect mental health.21 Often, the suffering partner sinks into a state of helplessness, where they come to accept their dysfunctional relationship as part of life. Durvasula notes that this sense of helplessness can slide into depression and anxiety.
Depression is typically marked by feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and guilt, as well as by poor concentration, and by changes in sleep and appetite.
Anxiety is linked to chronic worry, self-doubt, fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches and muscle tension. Suffering individuals may withdraw from social, work, or household activities. They may eat badly, or fall back on drugs and alcohol. In extreme cases, they may experience suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
Manipulation Adds Stress
Narcissistic manipulation deepens the emotional difficulties that stem from unhealthy partnerships. Dr. Robin Stern describes how pervasive gaslighting, in particular, can overwhelm the target. When this happens, the victim tends to bypass their own experience and accept the gaslighter’s criticism and blame. Stern writes that this level of gaslighting22
is truly soul-destroying. Some of my patients describe a listlessness that spreads through almost every area of their lives—food no longer tastes good, they no longer enjoy time with their friends, a lovely walk in the countryside leaves them unaffected—until finally, all of life has lost its savor. Other patients talk about a growing inability to make even the smallest decisions…. Still others describe a lack of connectedness; they feel as though some other person were living their lives, going through the motions while they are hiding deep within themselves, trying not to be found.
Many people stay in such relationships because they idealize their partner and are ready to blame themselves. A victimized person is more likely to accept warped narratives because they want to trust their partner and think well of them.
Coercion—the use of fear, obligation, and guilt to gain compliance—pushes victims into a maze of distorted feelings and self-doubt.23
Withdrawal tactics, such as the silent treatment, strike at our need for connection. The resulting isolation is uniquely painful and turns the relationship into a lonely prison.
Methods of manipulation that rely on trust-building are also damaging. For a manipulator, trust is simply a route to cooperation and self-promotion. A manipulator leaves as legacy of broken confidence when they capitalize on a person’s capacity for trust.
Breaking Free
Narcissists weave sticky webs. The good news is that it’s possible to disentangle yourself and find freedom and joy, unleashing the potential that hums in your core.
The recovery process can be broken down into five steps:
- Gain distance
- Understanding
- Self-Compassion
- Healthy boundaries
- Healthy relationships24, 25
Gaining distance involves minimizing your interactions with the narcissist. Understanding entails learning to recognize narcissism and its impact, while self-compassion enables us to nurture ourselves emotionally. Learning to build healthy boundaries and relationships helps prevent future entanglements and sets a foundation for growth.
Healing happens gradually, over months and years. It’s not a linear process: backsliding, confusion, rumination, and other “backwards” and “sideways” movements are part of the process. It takes work, and there are no true short-cuts. Yet, this effort is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself; it’s your way back home.
And, as you rediscover your capacity for joy and self-expression, you’ll be able to share the gift of yourself with others.