A narcissist’s desire for validation is never fully satisfied. As therapist Wendy Behary explains, narcissists are always “caught up in the distracting pursuit of approval.”10 There’s no final release, just an endless struggle. Their ego-driven rushes eventually give way.
Also, many narcissists are sensitive to the threat of invalidation. They have what Behary calls a “defectiveness filter,” where they tend to interpret critical feedback as an attack on their integrity.
For instance, someone might encourage their narcissistic partner to share their feelings. A thin-skinned, vulnerable narcissist might hear this as: “You’re an unfeeling jerk. You’re a failure.” They might then counter and say that their partner is too critical or emotional. Perhaps they’ll sulk, wondering “Why try at all? My partner thinks I don’t care.”
The Role of Childhood Development
It’s widely argued that the narcissist’s hunger for validation, and their sensitivity to invalidation, stem from a lack of emotional support during childhood.
As Behary notes, healthy emotional growth depends on
a parent or caregiver providing an attuned emotional connection—in other words, empathy. As a child looks up into her parent’s eyes for comfort or approval, the parent consciously reflects back an understanding of her experience, whether joy, fear, confusion, or sorrow. The parent accepts and validates the child’s feelings and helps her make sense of what’s happening within her….
This kind of support affirms a child’s emotional reality. A child who lacks this connection may feel misunderstood, lonely, and insignificant.
As the child matures, they may develop certain habits to cope with their negative feelings and self-evaluations. Bullying and other forms of control can help the child feel important and calm any anxiety they might have about being unworthy of attention. Adult narcissism is essentially a continuation of these patterns into later life.
Emotional Hide-And-Seek
Narcissism is like a game of hide-and-seek. On the one hand, narcissists hide or avoid emotions associated with unworthiness. On the other hand, narcissists seek ways to amplify their sense of significance, cultivating situations and relationships where they can feel important, in control, or successful.
Real-World Examples: Three Stories
This hide-and-seek dynamic can be seen in the three following anecdotes about intimate relationships with narcissists.
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In the first story, the woman avoids delving into her partner’s pain and possibly her own (hide), while shutting him down and seizing control of the conversation (seek). In the second story, the man dodges real commitment (hide) as he exploits others for love and attention (seek). The final story features a woman who avoids shame and regret (hide) by shifting blame and making her husband look more guilty and flawed than her (seek).
This shallow, antagonistic way of being damages relationships. The narcissist is unable to tap into the range of emotion required for sustained intimacy, and they’re always angling for control.
There’s no “winning” with a narcissist because it would feel too much like “losing” for them. They can’t let go of their tightly wound stories because that would mean stepping into emotional quicksand.
Decode the Behaviour
The questions below can help you unpack the tendencies at play in your own relationships:
- How do they cultivate approval, admiration, or respect?
- Do they need to exert control? How might control help them feel secure or significant?
- Do they show signs of hypersensitivity and interpret what others say as an attack or insult?
- Do they avoid emotional engagement or dismiss other people’s emotional realities?