Perception is Power
Gaslighting happens when a person tries to control how a situation is perceived. The gaslighter does this to undermine challenges to their influence.
Dr. Robin Stern, in The Gaslight Effect, gives an example drawn from family life. She presents the story of Mitchell, a grad student who’s studying to become an electrical engineer.12
Mitchell and His Mother
Mitchell has only recently begun dating seriously. His girlfriend suggests, gently, that he dresses more like a boy than a man his age. Mitchell sees some truth in this and goes to a department store to freshen up his collection. He puts together a snappy wardrobe and feels sophisticated and attractive. When he wears his new outfit to a family dinner, his mother bursts out laughing. She says he looks ridiculous and tells him to take her shopping next time. He’s hurt and asks his mother for an apology. “I was only trying to help,” she says. “And I’d like an apology for that tone of voice.”
In this anecdote, we see Mitchell’s mother assert her opinion about his clothes. She suggests that he can’t make good decisions on his own, and that he should rely on her guidance. In the process, she undermines his confidence and capacity for choice.
Her push for control can be seen as part of a larger struggle: she wants to gain influence over her son in the face of perceived competition from his girlfriend. His new clothes and self-assurance are symbolic flags in a wider emotional battlefield.
Gaslighting is Everywhere
We see similar stories play out in other settings. For example, an employer might tell a worker that they’re falling short. The worker might then feel they need to cater to their employer’s wishes and over-deliver on expectations. Or, someone might accuse their romantic partner of excessive flirting, as a way to induce guilt and constrain their partner’s behaviour.
The core message behind gaslighting is: I get to decide how you feel, think, and act. I decide what’s real.
Gaslighting degrades the target’s capacity to choose freely. It strikes at the heart of personal autonomy and shifts control into the gaslighter’s hands. To make matters worse, the target will often seek the gaslighter’s approval, hoping that compliance will buy acceptance and release from the punishing FOG that comes with gaslighting.
Gaslighting Exploits Trust
Stern observes that gaslighting
plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty … it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter—when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent—then we have even more difficulty sticking to our sense of reality.
Gaslighting is so powerful because it exploits our instinct to trust those who are close to us, as well as our desire to lean on them for security and love. We naturally turn to others for insight, support, and guidance. The gaslighter leverages this instinct to gain influence, capitalizing on other people’s empathy and need for secure connection.
Decode the Behaviour
- Does the narcissist try to “control the narrative” by framing events or relationships in a certain way?
- Do they become irritable, dismissive, defensive, or angry if their version of events is challenged?
- Do they engage in emotional manipulation (including FOG) to reinforce or protect their story?
- How might their story enable them to gain or maintain control?