The Dark FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
Coercion involves the manipulation of strong negative feelings to gain compliance. Therapist Dr. Susan Forward calls it “emotional blackmail” and identifies three emotions that are used for leverage: fear, obligation, and guilt.11 These create a blinding FOG that undermines the target’s capacity to think, feel, and act freely.
Fear
Fear is instilled through subtle or obvious threats. Forward notes that, over time, emotional blackmailers “notice what we run away from, see what makes us nervous, observe when our bodies go rigid in response to something we’re experiencing.” Blackmailers use this information as ammunition to send a message: Do what I want or there’ll be consequences. Some threats include being fired, disapproved of, yelled at, left, or made miserable. The list is endless. Blackmailers gravitate to whichever threats get the strongest results.
Obligation
Obligation draws on our instinct to follow rules and meet expectations. As members of society, we absorb messages about duty, obedience, self-sacrifice, and other norms. The blackmailer is able to capitalize on these familiar codes and shape them to their own ends. Messages about how we need to listen to our boss, parent, or partner are common examples of norms used to create compliance. Blackmailers often add a personal angle, highlighting how much they’ve helped out or sacrificed, while focusing on how much they’re owed as a result.
Guilt
In its healthy form, guilt is a part of moral awareness—it’s the sense of discomfort we get when we’ve violated a personal or social code of ethics, and it nudges us back towards integrity. The blackmailer takes advantage of this instinct by laying blame to generate guilt and compliance. For instance, one friend might accuse another of being distant, hoping that the target will give up more time and attention.
The central message behind blame-peddling is: It’s your fault, you’re not doing your job. Do better. The ensuing guilt supercharges our sense of obligation, as we try make up for our perceived failures.
Is it Deliberate?
Forward suggests that blackmailers aren’t necessarily deliberate or calculating. In fact, they’re generally short-sighted and impulsive. She argues that the “fear of not getting what they want becomes so intense that they … [can’t] take their eyes off their goal long enough to see how their actions are affecting us.” In other words, they tend to be self-absorbed and reckless, rather than coldly manipulative (though some are calculating). Nonetheless, narcissists are capable of extraordinary callousness, and their lack of empathy and use of emotional blackmail can have traumatic effects.
Decode the Behaviour
The following questions can help determine whether someone is using emotional coercion:
- Does the person use fear as a way to gain influence? Do they suggest that there’ll be some sort of fallout if others don’t fall into line?
- Do they create a sense of obligation by tapping into feelings of responsibility or duty?
- Do they instill guilt by suggesting that people are failing to meet expectations?