Personal boundaries are about autonomy, which is the capacity to think, feel, and act freely. We assert our boundaries when we act according to what we truly feel and believe, even if it makes others uneasy.
Narcissists habitually violate boundaries because they have little regard for what others think, feel, and want. They pressure people to set aside their feelings. They attack people’s autonomy out of a desire to break resistance and impose their own viewpoints.
Restoring healthy boundaries is an important stepping-stone in the recovery process. We reclaim our autonomy and build resilience through balanced and consistent self-assertion.
Guilt as an Obstacle to Self-Assertion
Marlow-MaCoy observes that many survivors of abusive relationships have difficulty asserting boundaries because they feel that it’s selfish, cruel, or rejecting.32 These guilty feelings can surface as thoughts like:
- Saying “no” is mean
- People won’t like me if I’m not agreeable
- Meeting my own needs is selfish
Narcissists typically add guilt-laden messages of their own to these internal messages. They do this to convince the target that they’re at fault and push them into compliance.
Guilt can be loud. It can overshadow our instincts and our ability to see what’s best for ourselves. For this reason, it’s important to learn how to pause when guilt hits and ask what’s driving it. Are you being triggered by outside pressures or old beliefs? Does it stem from people-pleasing habits? The key is to get to a place where you can assess your situation and take stock of what you want, rather than be paralyzed by guilt.
Know Your Boundaries
For Marlow-MaCoy, a clear-headed assessment begins with identifying what’s okay for you in a particular situation and what isn’t. This line—between what fits your true values, and what doesn’t—marks your boundaries. She highlights six types of boundaries:
» Material boundaries: Are you comfortable giving away your material possessions? Yes, no, or under what conditions?
» Physical boundaries: What level of physical contact are you comfortable with among friends? Coworkers? Family? Romantic partners? What feels uncomfortable?
» Mental and emotional boundaries: How important is forming your own thoughts and opinions, even if they differ from the thoughts and opinions of others?
» Sexual boundaries: How do you express your sexuality? What feels right for you?
» Social boundaries: How important are friendships and social activities for you? Are you more introverted (recharge from alone time) or extraverted (gain energy from being around others)?
» Time boundaries: How do you feel about giving time to people who ask for or expect it?
Take Stock Before Taking Action
Knowing your boundaries is especially important when you’re faced with a request. Take time to reflect on your gut reaction to the request, and to assess whether it aligns with your values or not.
Marlow-MaCoy suggests asking:
- Which values does this situation uphold, and which does it challenge? Review the ways this situation tests, questions, or fits with your personal values.
- Does the action required in this situation fit my values? Action may include speaking, behaving, or declining to behave in a particular manner.
- How do I feel to be asked to do this? Can you openly and easily accommodate this request? Does doing so make you feel guilty or resentful? Do you have an instinctive response that feels truthful? Do you feel pressured to say “yes” when you’d rather say “no”? Do you need more time to think about it?
Once you’ve done a full assessment, you can weigh your options more objectively and make choices based on your values rather than someone else’s preferences.
Find Your Course of Action
Marlow-MaCoy outlines two options when deciding what to do if someone is disrespecting or ignoring your boundaries.
You can engage the person and explain how they’re crossing your boundaries, and why respecting what you’ve laid out is important. You can also identify consequences if they don’t stop. If they argue or ask why it matters, you can simply reiterate your stance and close the discussion.
You can also choose to disengage altogether, by hanging up the phone, walking away, grey-rocking, or taking any other action required to break off interaction. Conversations with narcissists can easily collapse into circular arguments or power-plays, so disengagement is often the best choice. Disengagement helps limit escalation in the short term and creates distance in the long run.
Exercise #1: Course of Action Audit
Dealing with a narcissist can involve high personal stakes, such as divorce, loss of employment, stress, or abandonment. Many narcissists are conflict-oriented and competitive, and some are genuinely vindictive. For this reason, it’s important to consider possible outcomes and weigh the pros and cons of various courses of action.
One way to organize your thoughts at this stage is to make a list of potential advantages and disadvantages in a two-column grid. Pair pros and cons so that there’s a “for” matched to every “against,” and score each pro / con out of five. This way, you’ll be able to assign a clear weight to each factor, then total up the sides.
Here’s an example dealing with a potential divorce:
» Pro: I’d gain freedom to build a relationship with someone who’s emotionally healthy and able to connect. (5) → Con: I’d lose a relationship that I’d worked to sustain. (3)
» Pro: I’d be able to model self-advocacy for my children. (5) → Con: I’d have to face the collapse of a family structure that I valued. (4)
» Pro: By moving out, I can create an alternate space for my kids, so they don’t grow up in an environment entirely shaped by their narcissistic parent. (4) → Con: The kids will need to grieve the loss of the family unit as they know it. (3)
» Pro: I’ll be able to build genuine friendships of my own. (2) → Con: I’m going to lose the part of my social circle that’s connected to my partner. (3)
» Pro: The kids will still have access to the family home, with the other parent. (4) → Con: I’m going to lose the house. (5)
Pro Total = 20
Con Total = 18
The goal of this exercise isn’t to reduce something as painful as divorce to a simple equation. Instead, the aim is to sort through the issues at play, to better understand what’s at stake. It’s meant to serve as a reflective activity, not a roadmap set in stone.
Exercise #2: Boundary-Setting Statements
Boundary-setting statements express how you feel about someone’s actions and what you’ll do if they continue to act that way.
Boundary-setting statements should be specific about the action in question, as well as the consequences. The consequences should be sustainable.
A classic formula is: When you _________, I feel ______________. If you continue, I’ll ________________.
For example: When you tease me, I feel angry and embarrassed. If you continue, I’ll get up and leave.
You can leave out the “I feel” part if it seems irrelevant because the narcissist doesn’t truly care about your feelings. Simply say, “When you ________, I’ll __________.”
These kinds of statements can be helpful in healthy relationships, setting the stage for dialogue and change. However, narcissists may be inclined to dismiss or devalue such statements, react defensively, or use them as fuel for an argument.
Nonetheless, boundary-setting statements can play a useful role in narcissistic relationships. Boundary-setting statements can help you identify problematic behaviour, track your feelings, and gain clarity about what you’d like to do.
Also, boundary-setting statements can inform the narcissist about what will happen because of their actions. This can help you firm up an action plan and set clear goals and consequences.