In the previous section, we explored how narcissists are deeply insecure, in that they don’t feel they can trust others with their emotional well-being. As a result, they focus on “safe” sources of validation, like attention and control, which provide an ego-lift without much emotional self-exposure. They aim for a sense of significance or importance, rather than trust or connection.
The Impact on Authenticity
The narcissist’s fixation on external validation pulls them away from authentic self-expression into a performance mindset, where they’re always adjusting their words and actions to get the responses they want. Their lives are lived on stage, and others are treated like members of an audience that exists to applaud the actor.18
The Impact on Close Relationships
Narcissists see even their intimate partners as ego-boosters rather than individuals with unique needs, desires, and feelings.
Inevitably, the partner will fall short; after all, no one can, or should, provide unwavering compliance or attention. When this happens, the narcissist may turn to blame, criticism, or other forms of punishment to coerce the partner into changing their behaviour; or, they may try to love-bomb them as a way to rekindle affection. They may also shift their energy to other sources of ego gratification, such as affairs, friends, or the workplace.
These kinds of dynamics can play out in any setting: the workplace, family or friend networks, places of worship, and so on. Simply swap out “partner” for a more relevant term (colleague, family member, friend, congregant), and you’ll see the same forces at work.
Keeping the Upper Hand
Narcissists are highly sensitive to their status in any given relationship because their self-worth is tightly linked to how others see them: a “lower” position would be interpreted as being seen as “less than” by others. Most people have this experience from time to time, but a narcissist encounters it more often and more vividly.
Narcissists are exceptionally motivated by a desire to preserve their status and won’t hesitate to manipulate people accordingly. They often elevate their own position by downgrading others.19 The narcissist’s compulsion to dominate, no matter how subtle, pushes them to “one-up” and demand the lion’s share of whatever recognition or regard a relationship has to offer.
They exploit relationships as a source of ego-boosting validation, and expect to receive more care and attention than they give. Otherwise, they’d feel like they were giving up too much. They need to the hold the reins.
Such relationships lack the kind of reciprocity, trust, and balance that is essential for healthy interaction.