It’s often assumed that narcissists are in love with themselves—their own beauty, intellect, and so on. We tend to think of it as a kind of vanity fueled by overconfidence.
In reality, narcissists depend heavily on attention and validation. They’re never calmly secure in their abilities and attributes. If a narcissist values their beauty, for example, they’ll want to be praised for it. If they value their intellectual abilities, they’ll want these to be openly acknowledged.
Narcissists are self-centered because they must place themselves at the center of attention. It’s a compulsion linked to their need for external validation.
Narcissists work to get the responses they want. A grandiose individual might seek praise or power, for instance; a vulnerable person might guilt someone into offering a compliment. Whichever road is taken, it’s about seeking and expecting affirmation.6,7
Confidence vs. Validation
Grandiose narcissists often project confidence, but this isn’t based on actual self-assurance: their hunger for validation is endless. Their relentless need for approval and control can lead to parasitic behaviour, where they take advantage of other people’s resources, ideas, or accomplishments to elevate their status. They may also engage in bragging or fantasies of grandeur, or devalue and criticize others, as a way to puff themselves up.
Vulnerable narcissists tend to be more visibly insecure or anxious. They lack the grandiose narcissist’s outward confidence and are sensitive to the possibility of rejection. They’re uneasy in many social situations and often present themselves as victims, which is an easy way to gain sympathy; it also allows them to express their anger when they feel shortchanged.8 They may withdraw emotionally or physically in order to avoid difficult situations, draw attention, or punish someone who’s offended them.
Grandiose and vulnerable tendencies frequently mingle in a swirl of mixed messages, as the narcissist vacillates between heroism and victimhood. Whichever approach is taken, others are expected to feel that the narcissist deserves regard and recognition. They’re expected to follow along with the narcissist’s self-centered, self-centering, version of reality.
Decode the Behaviour
Narcissistic motivation and behaviour can be broken down into two steps:
Seek significance (motivation) → Seek attention and control (behaviour)
This basic framework offers a quick but powerful way to decode a narcissist’s goals and actions. Observe what they say and do. Ask yourself:
- How do their words and actions place them at the center of attention?
- What kinds of validation are they seeking (for example, love, admiration, respect, compliance)?
- Do they use their status or position in a relationship to gain attention or control?
- How might these displays of attention support the narcissist’s desire for significance?
- Does the narcissist sometimes reveal doubts about their significance (fears of rejection, of being overlooked)?
- Do they brag or become immersed in fantasies of grandeur?
- Do they become antagonistic if their position is challenged?
Remember that a narcissist’s behaviour points to a desire for significance. This unrelenting compulsion is the core feature of the narcissist’s actual, hungry self. Look for it behind their words and deeds, and you’ll see an underlying fragility.
Real-World Examples
Here’s a list of statements drawn from a study on what it’s like to live with narcissists.9 The comments are gathered from 436 participants asked to describe their family members and romantic partners. The comments illustrate how narcissists bend language, emotion, and perception in ways that reflect their fixation on personal significance.
Grandiose Behaviour
| Trait | Example Comments |
| Requiring admiration or attention-seeking | He puts on a show for people who can feed his self-image. Constantly seeking praise and accolades for any good thing he does. |
| Arrogance | He appears not to be concerned what other people think, as though he is just ‘right’ and ‘superior’ about everything. |
| Entitlement | I paid all of the bills. He spent his on partying, then tried to tell me what to do with my money. |
| Envy and jealousy | It got worse after our first son was born, because he was no longer the center of my attention.
They have resentment for people who are happy, seeing anyone happy or doing great things with their life makes them jealous…. He thought everyone was jealous he had money and good looks. |
| Exploitation | He brags how much he knows and will take someone else’s knowledge and say he knew that or claim it was his idea.
With two other siblings that are disabled, she uses funding for their disabilities to her advantage. |
| Grandiose fantasy | He believes he will become a famous film screen writer and producer though he has no education in film. |
| Self-importance | He thinks he knows everything … conversations turn into an opportunity for him to ‘educate’ me. |
| Belief in own specialness | They are fixated on being an important member of the community.
She likes to brag about how she knows wealthy people as if that makes her a better person. |
| Charming | He is fun-loving and generous in public. He is charming and highly intelligent. |
Vulnerable Behaviour
| Contingent self-esteem (self-worth relies on others) | She only seems to be ‘up’ when things are going well or if the attention is on her.
He appears to be very confident, but must have compliments and reassuring statements and what not, several times a day. |
| Hypersensitive | She cannot take advice or criticism from others and becomes very defensive or abusive if challenged.
It was an endless minefield of eggshells. A word, an expression, would be taken against me. |
| Insecurity | He really is just a scared little kid inside of a big strong man’s body. He got stuck when he was a child.
At the core he feels unworthy, like a fake so pretty much all introspection and self-growth is avoided at all costs. |
| Rage | He has a very fragile ego … he will fly off the handle and subject his target to hours of screaming, insults, and tantrum-throwing. |
| Victim mentality | He seems to think that he has been ‘hard done by’ because after all he does for everyone, they don’t appreciate him as much as they should. |
| Emotionally empty or cold (emotional withdrawal) | He was void of just any emotion. There was nothing. In a situation of distress he just never had any feeling.
I gave him everything. It was like pouring myself into an emotional black hole. |
| Hiding the self | He comes across very confident yet is very childish and insecure but covers his insecurities with bullish and intimidating behaviour. (Emotional hiding)
He will also have episodes of deep depression where he shuts himself off from human contact. He will hide in his room or disappear in his sleeper semi-truck for days with no regard for his family or employer. (Physical withdrawal) |